Gift of the Rose by Susan L.

Part of me wondered if yesterday's blog was to be the end-- a climax to the previous 81 blogs. That's how my recovery usually works. Labour for days or weeks, immersed in an issue seeking answers followed by a soul lifting revelation as Truth is revealed. There would be a period of assimilation as these new ideas would solidify before I would bow my head once more and utter my prayer, " Live me, love me, show me, grow me. I want more of You, my Lord." I confess,too, that my mind is doing its second guessing routine about making yesterday's blog public. It's that wee voice telling me I shouldn't boast...( slight pause) Declaring, testifying about God's work isn't boasting and yes, in posting it my heart is placed in a position of vulnerability before you, my readers. That is very scary. However, those few hundred words represent years of dedicated work that began the moment Jesus entered my life: November 9, 2004. "Who am I?" was asked because everything I had known was stripped away in one fell swoop: wife, mother, farmer...there was literally nothing left to give me any sense of identity. Only an invisible empty husk. I shouldn't say that. I knew who I was: failure, inadequate, useless, ugly. The old teaching, " If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all" kept me from admitting the truth of how I felt about myself. And shame, blankets of shame covered all. It was about two years after my marriage suddenly ended the November night my now ex-husband confessed his infidelity to me. (For which I am now deeply thankful.)I was attending a four day conference at a local evangelical church. For four days I silently wept in the back, God's presence finally drawing out the long held in tears. What happened on the final day was the beginning of self esteem as the Lord spoke to me through my tears. "You are worth loving." All of us are, you know. "He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to those who are bound." Is 61:1