I shared a bit about my struggles at Bible study on Wednesday. Yes, I went. Courtesy of one of my little pills because my anxiety about returning was through the roof. I almost backed down. There were number of reasons. Returning to an environment where there's been a huge trigger and its partner panic attack is difficult. There's one particular grocery store in town that is avoided like the plague because it is too big, too busy and the site of more than one panic attack. That's okay, shopping at a smaller store suits just fine.
There was a level of shame as well on Wednesday or maybe embarrassment about my meltdown. I don't know these people too well and they don't know me. Although, deep within me rests the knowledge there is nothing to be ashamed of. Still...
I told them how part of the prayer journey had helped me come to accept that PTSD and its side effects will be a part of my life until the day I die. Afterwards, one of the group leaders said to me with kindness and compassion that it might not be wise to put limitations on God's power to heal.
Absolutely!
There was a lot of anger that came through in the art. Some of that was because of the years and dedication spent in becoming as well as I am only to find myself violently transported back in the muck.
I humbly acknowledge that the Lord was the source of the determination and the tremendous amounts of healing I have experienced. He provided the means for me to have the help I needed. He answered my prayers time and time again. In choosing life, it took hard work for it to become more than a monochromatic existence. The mental and emotional challenges have been overcome with faith for the soul, therapy for the mind and medications for the body's chemistry: an all encompassing treatment.
Perhaps by facing down a place where I have been triggered, difficult as it is, it will bring healing. It may help my brain become rewired and through exposure diffuse a potentially volatile reaction. A mental vaccination. This was just something I hadn't thought about: the physical changes related to trauma.
It was the Lord who gave me the courage to return to the study. In Him I trust. As for complete healing? I hope one day...Guide me in all ways my Lord.
"I will sing of the mercies of the Lord forever; with my mouth I will make known Your faithfulness to all generations." Ps 89:1
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Boundary Study Part 2
"Instead, let the Spirit renew your thoughts and attitudes. Put on your new nature, created to be like God--truly righteous and holy...
My experience about how the Lord works is that once I accept something, the Lord can work to solve it. In other words, by you accepting that PTSD could be with you for the rest of your life, you open the door to the possibility of the Lord's healing. It's not limiting the Lord's ability, it's enabling His ability by surrendering your cross to Him.
ReplyDelete