Or should I say nightmares. The last couple of nights have been rough. I don't remember the details of last night's waking in horror but I do remember Monday's. Clear as a bell, in vivid Technicolor with sight, sound, smell and touch all present, I was buried beneath an avalanche of snow. As soon as the icy cold dream snow hit my face and I felt myself unable to breathe, I woke in a claustrophobic panic. Just writing about it stirs up the awful feeling of being suffocated.
I'm not one for analysing my dreams. There's enough analysing goes on with the challenges of being awake! What is bothersome is that a poor night's sleep makes the days harder. And I am struggling.
It's a shame, really. The days are finally warm and sunny. The grass is green, nature is in her youth and bursting forth, encouraged by the nice weather. The birds grub hunting in the yard or squabbling with each other over a choice morsel bring merely a ghost of a smile.
There's a line in the book "The Shack" that struck home with me: "the great sadness". It's been slowly creeping in. Most likely because of the fatigue generated by the over-the-top anxiety of the last few weeks. These two challenges are stealing the joy from my soul.
I have asked to see my psychiatrist earlier than the scheduled third week of June. I'm on a waiting list for a cancellation.
It feels like such a long way away.
I am hoping it might simply be a need for a medication adjustment. Apparently hormone changes can affect how psychotropic meds work. Yup. Got that going on. Yet the thought of changing anything or trying something different has it's own concerns. It took a long time to find out what worked. Not a pleasant process to say the least. But then, if it isn't working...rocks and hard places.
The stuff of dreams... Lord, that I may be well. I ask for open doors, too and a speedy appointment. Oh, and the strength to persevere, to trust in Your plan. In Jesus' name, Amen!
"He will have compassion on us, and will subdue our iniquities." Micah 7:19
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Boundary Study Part 2
"Instead, let the Spirit renew your thoughts and attitudes. Put on your new nature, created to be like God--truly righteous and holy...
Hang in there Susan! Try not to let the lack of sleep change your outlook. Remember God is sovereign - and what is happening is all part of His plan. Seek His face in this. He is drawing you near!!
ReplyDeleteThank you for your encouragement.
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