My back has definitely improved over the last day or so. I was able to drive an hour there and back to my appointment with my psychiatrist without too much difficulty. I'm glad. The Celebration of Life service for my pastor is today and I wanted to go. Not that I knew him that well but to support the families, his and the church.
I'm trying not to think about the crowds of people that will be there. If I can find a quiet place near the back of the church it'll be just fine.
My appointment with Dr. K stirred up a lot of skeletons I would have much rather have left in the closet. He asked me "the question" again. The one about being willing to have a relationship with a man.
Sigh. I sort of understand why he asks. I just don't like being pushed. Isn't that something to investigate further. Why don't I like being pushed?
Anyways, the male track record in my life has not been very good. An understatement if there ever was one.
It speaks volumes about the healing hand of God that I don't outright hate them. Fear them, yes. Distrust them, yes. Feel compassion for them, yes. Champion them, yes. Be a peer to them, yes. They too are often victims of sexual or physical abuse and struggle with mental health issues. If I can help somehow...regardless of gender. Praise be to God.
Yes, I get lonely sometimes but even in a relationship that feeling can be there too.
There have been a few good men in my life. My stepfather is a loving and gentle man. I never lived under the same roof with him, but his kind generosity towards my mom over the last twenty-eight years is a lovely thing to witness. I've met a few nice men through church and the centre: sensitive and compassionate. They have brought me healing in places I never thought could be healed.
Still, I am as wary as a deer in hunting season whenever they are around. I've met Mr. Hyde only to discover Dr. Jekyll underneath far too many times.
All I can say is Your will, my Lord, not mine.
"When you go with your adversary to the magistrate, make every effort along the way to settle with him." Lk. 12:58
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Boundary Study Part 2
"Instead, let the Spirit renew your thoughts and attitudes. Put on your new nature, created to be like God--truly righteous and holy...
God's love is primarily meant to be expressed in community, not individually. Therefore, despite your difficulty in relating to men individually, today you are following God's Spirit by your desire to attend this celebration of life. The Christian community is meant to support each other in grief, and celebrate blessings together. Your heart is in the right place, notwithstanding what Dr. K. might think!
ReplyDeleteI don't think the Doc is wanting to push you into a relationship you are not ready for - but to find out why you wouldn't be open to the possibility. Usually because the reasons often hold the key to the deeper issues. Having had an abusive relationship on every level possible - I can completely understand your hesitance. You don't need a man to be complete, you are complete in Christ. You do need to love your enemies and pray for them (but you don't have to live with them).
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