Thank you to all the readers who have responded to my angst filled musings about relationships. It sort of parallels a task that was given to me by the woman who led me to the Lord so many years ago. I was to take my concordance and look up the word "love". I was to read the scriptures paying particular attention to the words in red. When done, I was to start reading all over again until I "got it". It felt punitive because it emphasized my brokenness, my lacking, my faults. I think that's why I am having such a hard time with Dr. K's question.
I tried. I said somewhere down the line that it was like giving a pile of car parts to someone and telling them to build a vehicle when they had never even seen a car. However, something did come out of it before giving up because it was too painful. I learned I knew well what love is NOT.
I have since learned that love cannot be embraced when it cannot be received. Unworthiness, low self esteem, distrust, suspicion, fear, pride, shame, guilt, self hate... you know, the crippling things that hold us back, the sins that stop us from being able to embrace the kind tenderness of another. This is not just in human relationships but also with our God.
When we believe we are unlovable, love is not for us. When love comes with thorns, it's easier to never go there again, to remain distant and aloof.
We have a forgiving God and a patient one.
Here's the good part. God knew this about me. He knew He couldn't sweep in with terms of endearment and outpourings of gushy love. From the moment I felt the light of the Holy Spirit wash over me I sought to be free of the lies that crippled me. The beginning of faith was set in Ephesians, the armor of God. The seeds flourished in repentance and forgiveness and in battle. I learned what partaking of the cup of Christ meant.
He also taught me to dance.
As I began to uncover my identity, beginning with the fundamental understanding of gender. He forgave me for hating that aspect of myself. I did a word study all my own, "woman". I met Martha and Mary whose story brought much healing and understanding. I stopped hating the soft and vulnerable side of myself, the Mary part who had been so damaged.
I also grew to know my Lord and to trust Him. Mostly, I have grown to love Him and can say I am much better at receiving love. Thank You, Lord, for Your grace.
"Love suffers long and is kind." 1 Cor 13:4 (And much, much more.)
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Boundary Study Part 2
"Instead, let the Spirit renew your thoughts and attitudes. Put on your new nature, created to be like God--truly righteous and holy...
Remember that the armour of God is to stand fast, not to fight. The battle is already won - the victory is ours through Christ. It is our position to defend the faith with the armour of God. We are to be light, salt, sowers, and people of love.
ReplyDeleteI was touched by your description of the image of love being like car parts. Not seeing love demonstrated how do you know how to do it? (Like putting a car together.) Thankfully the Lord demonstrated love in His earthly life and Holy death and resurrection.
Faith is the victory!
I don't know if I shared this before. My therapist told me that some women will move out of the marital bed when the husband finds a mistress and will remain under the same roof with them. If my husband's affair hadn't taken place over seas, I would have been one of those women. That's how crushed, how nothing I once was.
ReplyDeleteGod's armor, which I mimed putting on every morning, gave me the courage to not give up, to fight the forces of evil, to change and grow. But mostly it gave me a reason to trust my life to God. He clothed me with protection in a way I could understand. I was incapable of receiving His message of love. That wasn't why I became a Christian. I gambled saying the sinner's prayer, not really believing, because there was nothing left to lose. I will never forget the tsunami of light and peace that swept away the black vortex of suicide before me. I was stunned. God was real!
The imagined armor gave me time and the space to learn to live and stand as He has called, as you said, as a person of light and love. God's grace gave me exactly what I needed.
A yardstick makes an awesome sword.