For Those Who Struggle by Susan L.

   I've been there when the day looms long and empty, when getting out of bed takes a monumental effort, when simply getting dressed is a task greater than climbing Everest. I've been there when sleeping in my clothes was easier because there was nothing left after brushing my teeth (if they got brushed). I've been there when all I could be thankful for was that the day was over. I've been there when sorrow and utter hopelessness swallowed my heart and soul. I've been there when my mind broke from reality and the days vanished into the mists of the forgotten, wrapped in nothing but pain.
  The shame that I couldn't do more...the anger that I should be able to do more...the defeat because I simply can't do more still rears its ugly face. It's a work in progress.
  Many breakthroughs took place in quiet conversations between my heavenly Father and myself. We had many chats through my journals which is basically written prayer. Cognitive thought was beyond me. Pen and paper, a line at a time, helped me put what was on my heart into something that made sense. It is where I learned I am worth loving. An idea that has waned and strengthened and sometimes waned again throughout the years.
  Recovery, or as I prefer, discovery is not a straight line journey.
  At the time, armed with a tiny, brilliant fragment of hope, "Value", I began to see a therapist. Little did I know it was to be a journey that spanned several years. Those appointments kept me going. Even if I did nothing else, those meetings were kept, sometimes twice a week if needed. Which it was following those couple of trips to the hospital.
  I began a frantic knocking at doors. Whatever help was available in my community got tried. Some were for me, others not so much. Some helped. Some damaged. All these experiences enabled me to find answers and little pieces of hope. Finding the Krasman Centre drop-in was a life saver. It gave me a reason to get out of the house every day and continues to fulfill that purpose. It's where I go even if I am not working.
  Along the way I began to get a sense of the person I am in God's eyes. He is the only one that really matters. As I worked through the traumatic events of the past, lies about my identity and worth were cast aside. God's truth began to solidify and continues to do so. Self-esteem (vs ego) is an area I still struggle with.
  I also found wellness tools like the right medications and a compassionate psychiatrist.
  I am far from finished. This journey won't end until the day the Lord takes me home. Some hurts may never be healed this side of Paradise although I pray they will.
  Peter Jackson, in his sermon "Unashamed" made a statement that changed my life forever, that has helped squash the performance ghoul. "We are human beings, not human doings!"
  I  believe in the power of hope held in trust. For those who struggle, I'll hold onto hope for you just as others held onto hope for me. I'll believe for you that there will be better tomorrows. I'll believe that the Lord will lead you on the path designed especially for you. I believe He will give you the strength and courage to go the distance, to go through the open doors He has for you. I believe He will catch you if you stumble. I believe He will send angels to guide you, guard you and comfort you in those moments of despair when it all seems too hard. Don't give up, reach up and out.
  God bless you.
  "Show me Your ways, O Lord; teach me Your paths. Lead me in Your truth and teach me, for You are the God of my salvation; on You I wait all day." Ps 25:4-5