There's a knot in my stomach that feels like I swallowed a medicine ball. There's bands of tension wrapped tightly around my ribcage. It's been like this for a few days now. It's hard to ignore. It's disheartening to say the least. Maybe meds aren't the answer to getting rid of this devil on my back: anxiety. Lord, guide me. Help me. I so desperately want to be free of this.
I had a panic attack at worship team rehearsal last night. Sigh. I sat there looking at the sheet music that suddenly became absolutely foreign to me. It was only a bunch of dots on the paper. Then the tears came. And the shakes. It was a piece I was to toot my flute for.
There were three flute songs planned for tomorrow's Thanksgiving service. One had some difficult timing. We did sort that out last night by giving me places to breathe. That's kind of important. The other is an accompaniment to a soloist, the third was this one. I opted to sing it instead although, because I'd been practicing the flute part, the words and melody are unfamiliar. The two others have enough of a performance element to them to make me want to do my best.
I had said to the team leader that I'd be okay with learning three pieces a week. I think paring it back to two would be a good example of self care. I still have to learn the words and tune of all the others as a singer. Usually there's five songs.
It doesn't sound like much or perhaps I am expecting too much of myself.
So I am rather teary this morning. Teary and weary. And frustrated. And there's a good whack of anger in there. But there's also a good whack of gratitude, too, for the miracle the Lord works in my life every single day...He gives me the strength to leave the house when sometimes it would be so much easier to stay isolated, to give up the fight, to let the anxiety win.
I know doing that is only an illusion of being safe. It would make the anxiety worse in the long run.
H and I are going for a hike later today and getting together for dinner. A couple of hours in nature with the autumn colours kissing the trees will be a delight and restful for the soul.
"Why are you cast down, O my soul? And why are you disquieted within me? Hope in God, for I shall yet praise Him for the help of His countenance." Ps 42:5
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Boundary Study Part 2
"Instead, let the Spirit renew your thoughts and attitudes. Put on your new nature, created to be like God--truly righteous and holy...
If it were me, and I don't have your extreme anxiety, I'd only expect myself to learn ONE new piece a week. And perform only twice on Sundays - one a new piece and one a familiar piece. At least until the pieces became so familiar that I could play them without thinking. What you are experiencing is not worship :( Maybe you need to give yourself more compassion and less ambition.
ReplyDeleteI echo the sentiments of H. You have been feeling so much better of late (going by past blogs) that you may have bitten off more than you can chew. One line jumped out at me today - about staying isolated, although it was only an "illusion of being safe." My first thought was what are you doing that isn't making you feel "safe" at the moment. Yes, it is good to embrace challenges, but if you are feeling unsafe, I think that may need some reflection. I'm just an observer through your sharing, but I feel you may be expecting too much from yourself. You need to take in to give out. The joy of the Lord is your strength, but I'm not hearing much joy. Breathe.
ReplyDeleteThank you both for your comments. I'm going to explore this a bit in today's (Sunday) post.
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